When Joy and Grief Walk Together: Parenting, Disability, and the Messy Middle

When we imagine welcoming a child into our lives, we picture joy, love, hope—and maybe a wild dose of exhaustion. We dream up possibilities and picture a future with milestones and laughter. For some families, though, that early joy is soon braided tightly with a different, harder feeling: grief.

It can happen the moment a diagnosis lands or gradually as a parent realises their child has unique needs that the world doesn’t always understand. And while there are words for the joyful parts of parenting, we don’t often talk about the heartbreak that can come with it, too.

At Family and Child Consultants, we want to say this clearly: it is absolutely okay to feel both.

A Story That Matters
Let us tell you about Anna. When her son, Sam, was born, she fell instantly in love with his big blue eyes and his gentle spirit. She says she had never felt so fiercely protective or so flooded with gratitude. But when Sam was eight months old, the visits to doctors began—then the assessments, and then, finally, a diagnosis of cerebral palsy.

“I remember reading that word and feeling everything go quiet inside,” Anna told her therapist. “I couldn't speak. I just stared at Sam and thought about all the hopes I’d had for him—school, footy, running in the park. It was like the world shifted. I loved him fiercely, but in that moment I also lost something I hadn’t even realised I was holding onto.”

Anna’s grief surprised her. She felt guilty for it, ashamed even, like it might overwhelm the tidal wave of love she still felt every time her son reached for her.

Over months together, Anna learned she didn’t have to choose between grief and gratitude. She could hold them both. “You can love your child with your whole heart and still grieve the loss of the life you imagined,” Anna says. “It doesn’t mean you love them less. In fact, I think grieving helped me see and love Sam more for who he is, not just who I thought he’d be.”

Permission to Feel Everything
If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in Anna’s story, please know you’re not alone. Grief isn’t about your child. It’s about letting go of certain dreams, or facing a world that can be indifferent or unkind to families like yours. It’s about wondering how you’ll find the strength, and then—sometimes to your own surprise—discovering that you do.

And here’s something else: grief doesn’t mean you aren’t resilient or happy. We see families experience real moments of celebration—first steps, new words, toothy grins—right in the middle of mourning what’s been lost or changed. This “messy middle” is where real, unconditional love lives.

We believe it’s possible, and healthy, to make space for every emotion. You are allowed to be joyful, devastated, hopeful, angry, and grateful—all at once. It’s not failing at parenthood; it’s living it honestly.

What Helps?
Often, parents find comfort in connecting with others walking a similar road. Support groups, counselling, and trusted friends who listen without judging can be a lifeline. It can help to gently shift the focus from “what’s lost” to “what’s here now”—the child in front of you, in all their brilliance and challenge.

Sometimes, just saying out loud: “I love my child, and I’m grieving too”—can take away some of the shame or guilt. Both are part of the journey.

If you need a safe space to talk, grieve, hope, and find support, Family and Child Consultants are here. We see you. We honour the whole truth of parenting—and we know that joy and grief, side by side, can be the beginning of something deeply loving and whole.