When you have a co-dependent relationship with your work!

 

Does this sound like you?

 

You have spent your whole life caring for others, making sure everyone else is OK, trying to please and lookout for other people’s needs. This has served you well in your career in many ways, but as you try to perfect your roles of community services worker, you continue to feel unfulfilled, anxious or depressed. Or perhaps he you're not even sure how you feel!

 

If this sounds familiar, I understand the struggle of wanting to do it all while not letting a single person down. I first learned the term “co-dependency” when I was working as a social worker at an outpatient addiction clinic. It was framed as a “relationship addiction” that often surfaced I just since as my client’s entered substance use recovery. Basically, instead of numbing their feelings by using substances, my clients would distract themselves by focusing on other people’s problems.  Co-dependency involves sacrificing one's personal needs, to try and meet the needs of others. Someone whose Co-dependent has an extreme focus outside of themselves. There thoughts and actions revolve around other people. there is a clear difference between co-dependency and being a kind and caring person. As community services workers, we strive to maintain our sense of empathy and compassion it will stop however, we cross into harmful co-dependent patterns when we give so much of our time, energy, emotional bandwidth, and sense of self to others that we don't properly care for ourselves.

 

The more I connect with other workers in the community services, the more I notice similar relationship patterns, including excessive caretaking to the point of self-detriment. Learning to recognise the signs of co-dependent habits and what to do about them is essential.  Co-dependency is about how we relate with and interact with others and ourselves; it is a set of learned behaviours in attempts to keep ourselves safe in our relationships. It is not innate, and as such, it's something that we can change.

 

Some of the signs but you have a co-dependent relationship with being a community services worker include;

·       you pick up the feelings of your clients and carry them around

·      you keep your own needs to yourself in the workplace you prioritise your client, employer, or team at the expense of your own goals and well being

·      you're exhausted but feel like you're never doing enough

·      you have trouble identifying and articulating your emotions

·      you bring your work home with you

·      you are either the peacekeeper or the advocate on your team

 

don't worry, there is a solution! if some of the signs about resonated with you, you might be wondering what the next steps are. Here are some great places to start:

·      Practise turning your attention inward - this new involve practising mindfulness and noticing when your attention is on others or you feel a strong pull to react right away to try and prevent pain or struggle for someone else. Pause. Take 3 deep breaths. And ask yourself, how am I feeling? What do I need right now? 

·      Show up for yourself. You know all that caring support you pour out to others? What if you poured it into yourself? Imagine what would be possible can stop if you're not sure how to support yourself, just imagine if a client was feeling the way you were feeling. What would you say to them? What would you do? Offer the same to yourself.

·      Take responsibility for your own well-being. If others are responsible for their well-being, that means that you are responsible for yours. It is not your boss, co-workers, or client’s job to predict your capacity and boundaries. It is your job to express these so that others know your limits. Protect your time and energy by setting clear boundaries and saying “no” when you are at capacity.

·      Lean into joyful stop one of the best things we can do to shift away from co-dependent patterns is to live our own lives. What brings you joy? What do you like to do just for fun? Make space for these things in your life. Prioritise them.

·      Get support. The process of changing co-dependent behaviours is a tough one, but you don't have to do it alone. Utilised the EAP services and benefit from the support of a therapist or counsellor which will help you order your own needs and set boundaries.


The important thing to remember is one of the best things we can do to shift away from co-dependent patterns is to actually live our own lives.




 Niki has worked in the Community Sector for over 20 years.  Working with families, young people and individuals within the Child Protections system, Justice, Immigration and Family Law Niki understands the pressure of working in all levels - from support worker to executive.


Niki currently is the Principal Consultants for Family and Child Consultants and can be contacted on 1300 789 649 or info@familyandchildconsultants.com

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What Happens When You Finally Listen to Your Body

Image
  What Happens When You Finally Listen to Your Body By Niki Gent There’s a voice we’ve been taught to ignore. It’s not loud. It doesn’t shout. It doesn’t use clever language. But it’s always talking. Whispering, humming, sometimes screaming — through tight shoulders, shallow breathing, racing thoughts, clenched jaws, aching backs, insomnia. It’s the voice of the body. And most of us only start to hear it when it’s too late. In my work, I sit with people every day who are exhausted, anxious, disconnected — from themselves, their work, their families. They talk about burnout, about hitting a wall, about losing motivation. And more often than not, they’ll say something like: “I thought I was fine… until I wasn’t.” The truth is, their body had been trying to tell them the truth for months — sometimes years. But we live in a culture that values output over embodiment. We’re told to keep going, keep working, keep coping, keep serving — even as our bodies quietly begin to unravel. So what...
Read more

Why Staff Don’t Burn Out — They Break Down Quietly

Image
  Why Staff Don’t Burn Out — They Break Down Quietly Burnout is rarely an explosion. It is more like a slow leak. Most people don’t even realise they’re burning out until they’re knee-deep in emotional exhaustion, disengagement, or a quiet resentment that builds over time. In community services, this is especially dangerous. Our work involves holding space for the trauma and chaos of others. And without careful attention, we can absorb it. The signs are subtle: the staff member who used to speak up at meetings now avoids eye contact. The worker who loved going the extra mile now only does what’s required. The colleague who was always calm under pressure now seems tired, snappy, and emotionally unavailable. These aren’t isolated behaviours. They are indicators of a slow, steady internal collapse. What we call burnout is often the result of years of unmet emotional needs, chronic overfunctioning, and organisational cultures that reward performance over wellness. And by the time it su...
Read more

What I’ve Learned About Leadership from Sitting in Silence With People in Crisis

Image
  What I’ve Learned About Leadership from Sitting in Silence With People in Crisis By Niki Gent In this work, I’ve sat with people during their darkest hours — in crisis meetings, hospital rooms, after disclosure, in the aftermath of grief. I’ve witnessed unbearable pain that had no language. And I’ve come to understand something very clearly: real leadership is forged in silence, not speeches. It’s in those heavy, unspoken moments — when there are no solutions, no quick fixes, no perfect words — that we see who we really are as leaders. Because when someone is falling apart in front of you, and all your training disappears, and there’s nothing left to offer but your presence — what you choose to do next is leadership. Too often, we think leadership is about having the answer, setting the vision, taking control. And yes, those things matter. But the most transformational leaders I’ve known are the ones who can sit in the discomfort of not knowing. Who don’t interrupt someone’s bre...
Read more