Even in Great Families’ .....things go wrong.

  


                      Even in great families’ things go wrong.

 

Remember when you were convinced that life would be easier when your baby slept all night? When school would be easier when your child found some friends, or they stopped slamming the door and rolling their eyes. For some families it doesn't get easier. It gets harder, a lot harder. As those cute babies grow up to be teens, making their own choices and taking their own directions, most will succeed with some minor speed humps, heart breaks and infractions along the way. You know the ones - the teen in Year 10 who gets busted skipping school, the 17 year old who comes home drunk from a “sleepover”, or the 16 year old who's heart has been broken and is committed to spending the rest of their life in their room.

 

For some families this is what they dream of. I'm not talking about families where there's been trauma and chaos. I'm talking about families where the kids played sport on the weekend, they fit in well at school and got good grades. Mum and Dad, though maybe not together, function as parents, work hard, and contribute to their community. You know the ones - maybe there on the school committee, cheer on the sideline, the ones that you see at the endless weekend birthday parties. Well sometimes even in these families... Things go wrong.

 

I hope that this is not a shock to you if you're a parent of a teen - but teens are having sex. Young people are becoming parents, and they can be great parents, with the support of a village and without judgement. Teen parents also come from every socioeconomic and cultural background. I was contacted by family, both prominent lawyers, living in an affluent suburb with their four children, all of which attended private school.  The oldest child, who was 14, was top of her class, captain of the soccer team and “destined for great things”. She was also, five months pregnant. Both she and her boyfriend were determined to keep the baby. Being the third party that negotiated these “difficult conversations” between the two families, they were able to, with lots of hard work, make it achievable. The teens Mum went on to still achieve great things and whilst they separated, Dad remained involved with the baby and is still an integral member of the larger family village. This family village function better than some so called - traditional families!

 

 

 

 

Another thing that should not be a shock to any parent - is that teens take drugs. It was even said once if the only difference between the drugs that private school kids take and those that public school kids take, is the cost. Importantly, no kid smokes marijuana as they want to develop depression and spend their whole life in their room paranoid and depressed. But it happens. No kid tries ice with the intent to become the poster child for an ice addiction campaign. But it happens. No kid takes hallucinating drugs as they want to be psychotic and end up with permanent psychosis in the psych ward. But it happens.  Addiction is real and it has a devastating effect not only on individuals, but whole families. The person with the addiction becomes the focus of the family, other siblings are pushed aside, and all efforts are placed in the young person being “better”. Family relationships are strained and broken as others don't understand the complex nature of addiction.  Parents search themselves and blame each other trying to work out at what point their “good kid” went “bad”.  Negotiating the system of recovery and healing is a hard one for families who have never experienced anything like this before. The services of a Significant Incident Consultant who can guide the whole family through the maze of services can be a great place to start.

 

I worked with a family who one to woke up to a phone call, finding out that their son had been charged with murder. Having never been in trouble with the police before, he had been charged with the brutal and vicious robbery and murder of another man he didn't know. This was a complicated situation. I worked for many months with this family, helping them to come to terms with the fact that their son did in fact beat a man to death, due to his race. Ultimately the young man received a lengthy sentence after pleading guilty. However, by working with the family, the family remained intact, and as a team, the family village were able to minimise the impact of this event on the other children in the family,.   Furthermore, when this young man will leaves jail – and he will – he will welcomed by his family who now understand the choices that he made and how they contributed to these choices.

 

See that is the lesson here, sometimes things go wrong even in great families. Sometimes when they go wrong, they can have a lifetime and devastating effect. Parents need to learn however, that they not only do they contribute to the event, but they also have greater influence than they realise, on the outcome. Furthermore, whilst it is important to focus on the young person directly affected, the whole family need guidance, mediation, and support, so no one is left behind.

 

Niki Gent is the Principal Consultant and Managing Director of Family and Child Consultants and specialises in working with families through Significant Incidents like those mentioned above. Niki prides herself in a honest and no thrills approach to working with families who don't know where to begin when things go wrong. Niki has a degree in Criminal justice (Honours) a Master of Social Work and an MBA. Nikki also has over 17 years’ experience working nationally and internationally in criminal justice, family law and child protection.



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